Archive for the ‘grief’ Category

Disenfranchised Grief is a term describing grief that is not acknowledged (or is trivialized) by society.

By Charles W. Sidoti, BCC

At the hospital where I have worked as a chaplain for the past twenty years I was recently consulted to visit an elderly, chronically-ill patient.  I was informed by the referring social worker that the woman,”Lost her husband last week.”

The woman shared that her recently deceased husband spent twenty years in prison.  As our visit continued she further revealed that her husband had been in prison for the murder of her son.  The patient shared with me that she did not leave the marriage.  She waited for him to get out of jail and for he past five years cared for him at home until he died of cancer.  This was an experience of chaplaincy that I will never forget; it is also one of the most beautiful examples of inner-healing I have ever witnessed and been privileged to have a small part in.

Disenfranchised grief is when your heart is grieving but you can’t talk about or share your pain with others because it is considered unacceptable to others.

Disenfranchised grief is hidden grief.  Often, it is never revealed.  Some, for fear of not being accepted, take their painful secrets to the grave with them.  As a chaplain I strive to create a sacred spacean environment where the other person feels safe to share what they are experiencing inside and find acceptance in their vulnerability. I try to create a space where the person feels confident that they will not be judged, but listened to, and accepted for who they are.

The following are just a few of the countless examples of loss that may be experienced as Disenfranchised Grief: 1) A miscarried or aborted pregnancy, giving a child up for adoption 2) Loss of gay or lesbian partner 3) Rape or sexual assault 4)  Loss of a pet 5) Retirement  6) Loss resulting from suicide 7) Divorce 8) Families of incarcerated individuals.  9) Loss of a grandchild 10) Any grief that exceeds society’s preconceived time limit for grieving.  To find many more examples and additional information on disenfranchised grief click:  https://www.vision.org/visionmedia/grief-and-loss/disenfrachised-grief/2202.aspx

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Check out “Living at God’s Speed, Healing in God’s Time” – By Charles W. Sidoti with contributing author Rabbi Akiva Feinstein – A Traditionally Published Book

 http://www.amazon.com/Living-Gods-Speed-Healing-Time/dp/158595831X

Listen to my live workshop presentation delivered at the 2017 Annual Conference of the National Association of Catholic Chaplains annual conference in Santa Anna Pueblo New Mexico.

The question and answer period of my workshop is very lively and even gets a little “dicey.” I welcome your feedback and comments after you listen to it!

Each one of us has our own personal Egypt.  We are enslaved by whatever negative power grips our hearts, preventing us from becoming the people God calls us to be.

This article is an excerpt from “Living at God’s Speed, Healing in God’s Time,” by Charles W. Sidoti, BCC and Rabbi Akiva Feinstein.

One of the keys to a more peaceful life is learning when to allow oneself to be led and when to take life by the horns. Both of these inner-actions are necessary at different times. As we reach a point within ourselves where we are able to live in the middle, between the tensions of when to relinquish control and when to assume it, we will have reached a place where real spiritual growth becomes possible. We discover a kind of rhythm or dance of life in which we sometimes follow and sometimes seem to lead. In both actions we are active participants in life.

In my daily work coordinating a hospital spiritual care department, my job is to provide for the spiritual needs of all faith groups. The program serves patients, their families, and also the hospital staff. The hospital not having an official religious affiliation has been a source of blessing for me. Although I am Catholic, I have become knowledgeable about many spiritual traditions in order to serve each of them well. One of the most powerful insights I have learned involves the Jewish celebration of the Festival of Passover, also referred to in the Jewish tradition as “The Festival of Our Freedom.”

Through my association with Jewish friends and colleagues and in researching the significance of Passover, I have found great spiritual meaning in seeing Passover as a distinct action and gift of God in human history before the establishment of Christianity. Researching Passover has enabled me to see it from a different perspective, thus gaining a new appreciation for it.

The Jewish Festival of Passover is a joyful time, primarily retelling and remembering the story of the exodus of the Jewish people from both the physical and spiritual slavery of the Egyptians some 5000 years ago. The story is symbolically re-told in the Seder meal that is observed with the whole family during the festival that lasts several days.

The great Jewish phrase that captures the spiritual meaning is, “We were slaves to the Pharaohs in Egypt, but the Lord led us out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm” (Deuteronomy 26:8). I have learned that the message of Passover, “God leads his people”, is not only about what happened in Egypt 5000 years ago. The message for us is that “Egypt” is in our own hearts. Each one of us has our own personal Egypt. The inner slavery of loneliness, depression, anxiety, addiction, jealousy, lust, hate, anger, prejudice, violence, abuse, and countless other chains can hold us in bondage. We are enslaved by whatever negative power grips our hearts, preventing us from becoming the people God calls us to be.  The same God who led his people out of Egypt “with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm” wants to lead us out of the Egypt of our own closed hearts today so that we may live in the freedom of the children of God. With God’s help we can open up and allow ourselves to be led.

As a Christian I have found it helpful and interesting to observe that The Last Supper actually occurred on the first day of the Passover Festival. I feel a special connectedness with my Jewish brothers and sisters as I wonder if at the Last Supper, Jesus was observing the Passover meal, sharing the Seder Meal with his friends for the final time.

Opening my heart to the Jewish celebration of the Festival of Passover has been powerful and insightful. It has been and remains a tremendous source of comfort and healing in my own spiritual journey.

Connecting Point:  The same God that led the Jewish people out of the slavery of Egypt so many years ago, holding out “a mighty hand and an outstretched arm,” reaches out to you today. It is your responsibility to reach back (in prayer) to God in response. God wants to lead you into freedom from whatever grips your heart (fear, anxiety, anger, resentment), preventing you from becoming the person that God created you to be.

Prayer: Loving God, as you have always revealed your presence to your people, reveal yourself to me. Help me to reach out to hold the hand you offer to me. Lead me to the freedom of mind and heart that you desire to give me, and help me to accept it into my life.

 Traditionally Published

View it on Amazon.com just $14.94: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Gods-Speed-Healing-Time/dp/158595831X

I was invited to do a radio interview with the “Open to Hope Foundation” on January 30, 2017. It was just recently posted to their foundation website.

The interview is titled, “Simple Contemplative Spirituality,” It is about how our personal way of understanding (our image of) God can influence our level of openness to receive the inner healing we desire. It asks us to consider the question: “Am I able to see what has happened as a part of my life journey, with the realization that there is more to come?  The message I hope to convey in the interview is that as we learn to turn into life, and resist, as best we can, the temptation to turn in on ourselves, we discover that the healing we seek is growing from the very ground upon which we stand – from God’s living presence in our lives.”

The following link is to the Open to Hope radio interview:  http://www.opentohope.com/charles-sidoti-topic-simple-contemplative-spirituality/

I invite you to listen to it and share your further thoughts and reflections. I hope you like it!

All living things change. It is the way of the universe. It is God’s way of working in our individual lives as well.

An excerpt from, Living at God’s Speed, Healing in God’s Time, written by Charles W. Sidoti, BCC. (Traditionally Published)

Coming to terms with life’s constant change is one of the greatest challenges that we face. It is interesting to note, however, that there are many areas of life in which we often have little or no trouble accepting change. Sometimes we welcome it with open arms; at other times we may find it bittersweet. For example, many parents experience the bittersweet aspect of change as they watch their child board the kindergarten bus on the first day of school. The change of seasons is an example of a change that we often take in stride, accepting it as a natural and even welcome part of life.

There is another level of change, however, that affects us differently when it occurs, because it touches us differently. Changes of this kind are the ones that involve a significant part of our personal world.

We know intellectually that all good things eventually come to an end, but the fact that they come to an end is outside of our control. It isn’t left to us. Albert Einstein is credited with the statement, “Nothing happens until something moves.” There is a lot of meaning packed into this short sentence. If it were up to us, certain things in our life would never change. For example, the people we love would never die.

When significant change occurs in our lives, no one consults us before allowing it to take place. If we can somehow manage to keep our heart open when something significant moves in our world, we will eventually come to realize that there is a universal compassion, that exists, a loving presence that cares, and waits upon our response. This universal compassion is most often perceived in the quiet-stillness of our own heart. It is revealed to us through an intuitive awareness, a knowing that comes from deep within that we are loved. During times of difficult life transition and change, when we are anxious and desperately searching for answers, we may hear the words rise up from the very center of our being, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46: 10).

Although we sometimes feel left alone to face life’s changes, God promises to be with us always. It is through the ongoing process of change happening in our life, followed by our response, that we discover “who we are” in God’s world. When we are able to open ourselves to this process, our life becomes integrated more and more into God’s larger world. We will eventually discover our proper place in it and find inner healing at a very deep level. We will become aware of our connection with the Creator in a way we never imagined and see life and everything in it in a completely new way.

All of this will come about because God cares enough to “allow something to move” in our world. It is here in the ongoing process of change, if we can find a way to keep our hearts open, that the faithfulness and mercy of God’s promise to lead us can touch our life in a profound and meaningful way.

Connecting Point: All living things change. It is the way of the universe. It is God’s way of working in our individual lives as well. Think about the way you feel when change happens in your life. Do you always feel the same, or do different types of change affect you differently? The more you are able to see change, all change, as the way in which God works in your life, the more you will be able to see your life as a journey of continuous growth toward what it means to be human and what it means to love.

Prayer: God of goodness and peace, your love for me and for all of creation is the only thing that does not change. The universe has been changing for countless years. I have been changing since the time I was conceived in my mother’s womb. Help me to make peace with the constant change that is a part of life. Help me to realize that you are always with me waiting in the midst of the change to give me something new and good. In times of difficult, tragic change, when I am in the depths of grief, help me to find hope, trusting when I can’t understand, that when all else fails you are still God. Help me to wait for your love, mercy, and wisdom to be revealed to me. Amen.

living-at-gods-speed-healing-in-gods-time

Traditionally Published

$14.95 Get itToday on Amazonhttp://www.amazon.com/Living-Gods-Speed-Healing-Time/dp/158595831X

Contents: http://pastoralplanning.com/23rdBookParts/LivingGodsSpeed_TOC.pdf

Read the Introduction: http://pastoralplanning.com/23rdBookParts/LivingGodsSpeed_Intro.

 

 

By Charles W. Sidoti, BCC: https://sidoticharles.wordpress.com/

I have experienced enough of life to realize that there are definite personal advantages to becoming a more patient person. I have made it one of my lifetime goals. I call it a lifetime goal because it may take that long for me to actually become patient. There is nothing wrong with that; it won’t happen overnight. In the meantime, I have made what I consider to be a giant step forward by realizing the great truth that patience is not passive. This powerful spiritual principal is contained in the words of sculptor Auguste Rodin who said, “Patience is also a form of action.” It may be one of the most powerful forms of action we can take. The statement “Patience is also a form of action” represents a radically different way of understanding the meaning of the word “patience.” When someone reminds us that we “need to be patient,” it can cause us to feel frustrated. Being told to “be patient” seems to force us into passivity, a helpless, hopeless desert of waiting. The desert of waiting is created from the erroneous belief that absolutely nothing will happen with regard to our situation unless we personally do it. If I believe this to be true and have reached the end of what is within my control to do, regarding something or someone that I care very much about, then frustration is a completely logical emotion to feel.

To understand how “having patience” can be a form of action, it is first necessary to realize that having patience is about being open to other possibilities regarding the outcome of events or situations in our lives as we stand before an uncertain future. It will require a letting go of the need to receive an immediate answer to our many questions. Patience, in a healthy sense, involves really believing in the existence of a power greater than me and trusting in that power enough to allow it to act upon my situation without my constant interference. To live patiently is to decide that you can live with the questions and let the answers come to you through the unfolding of events.

The classic 1939 film The Wizard of Oz is the story of Dorothy Gale’s journey through the beautiful and magical Land of Oz. The purpose of Dorothy’s journey is to see the Wizard who will, hopefully, grant her heart’s desire which is to go home. The Wizard of Oz is widely recognized as a story which, on many levels, relates metaphorically to our own journey through life. If you have seen the film, you may recall the beautiful scene in which Dorothy, after just arriving in Munchkin Land, encounters Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Dorothy has just received instructions from Glinda on how to get to The Emerald City, where The Wizard of Oz lives. She is told to, “Follow the Yellow Brick Road.” Dorothy walks to the place where the Yellow Brick Road begins, and says aloud to herself, while questioning the strange directive, “Follow the Yellow Brick Road?” Turning to look at Glinda, she asks, “But what happens if I…?” At this point Glinda cuts off Dorothy mid-sentence and with a tinge of sternness in her voice says to Dorothy, “Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.” The Good Witch then floats away and disappears. Dorothy does indeed follow the Yellow Brick Road with her questions yet unanswered. She is able to set the questions aside for the moment. Dorothy is able to trust enough in the counsel she received from Glinda to place her feet upon the Yellow Brick Road and begin her journey through the Land of Oz. We know from the story that the answer to Dorothy’s many questions was given to her through the living out of that journey.

The dialogue between Dorothy and Glinda, especially Dorothy’s response, humbly accepting the directive from Glinda to follow the Yellow Brick Road, is worth further reflection. Dorothy’s response is analogous to that of the Blessed Virgin Mary in her response to the news of the Angel Gabriel that she was to become the mother of Jesus. Luke’s Gospel tells us that Mary was “perplexed” by the angel’s greeting, and further expressed that she did not understand how she could conceive a child in her womb, because she was a virgin. In the end Mary set aside her questions and trusted in a power greater than herself, a power that was beyond her ability to understand. “Mary said, ‘I am the servant of the Lord. Let it be done to me as you say.’ With that the angel left her” (Luke 1:38). The answer to Mary’s questions came as she lived out her life’s journey, and in so doing became a central part of salvation history.

Mary’s patience toward getting the answer to her questions was also a form of action, a very radical form of action. Mary’s patience was an acknowledgment of the power of God to act in her life in an unimaginable circumstance. It was at the same time a most profound expression of trust that the word of God spoken to her would be fulfilled. In the same gospel, when Mary visited her cousin Elizabeth, part of what Elizabeth said to Mary included these words, “Blest is she who trusted that the Lord’s words to her would be fulfilled” (Luke 1:45). Our lives contain a mixture of events, some of which are good and others that are tragic, that are beyond our ability to understand. God asks us to trust in the midst of these circumstances in the same way Mary and many other figures from Sacred Scripture were called upon to trust. When we choose to practice patience instead of insisting on receiving immediate answers to our questions or to know beforehand “how” God will work things out in our lives, our patience becomes a powerful form of action. The verse from the Book of Proverbs mentioned earlier also applies here, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

The contemplative connection: Call to mind a situation in your life to which responding with patient-trust might be appropriate. Accept the anxiety of allowing your questions to go unanswered for now. Ask God to help you to move forward in trust, confident that the answers you seek will be given in the living out of your life. In this way your patience is also a form of action.


This article is from my traditionally published book “Simple Contemplative Spirituality.” View it on the publisher’s website: http://amordeus.com/giftShopProductDetails.aspx?itemID=520http://amordeus.com/giftShopProductDetails.aspx?itemID=520

 

via Daily Prompt: Hopeful

Simply saying the words, “The Lord is my shepherd,” is often sufficient to turn our attention toward God; and turning our conscious attention toward God is a simple, pure, and powerful form of prayer. 

This article is an excerpt from “Living at God’s Speed, Healing in God’s Time,” written by Charles W. Sidoti and Rabbi Akiva Feinstein

The Psalms are unique among the books of the Bible, revealing a mysterious healing quality in their ability to connect with us at a personal and profound level.  It is not uncommon when reading the Psalms to find that the words give expression to our most human emotions at the very core of our being – emotions that range from the deepest, darkest despair to the most exultant, liberating joy.  The ability of the Psalms to connect with us, in many ways, also heals us.  As we prayerfully read them, we find that it is the spirit of God with whom they connect our mind and heart.

Psalm 23 is one of the most popular psalms, as well as one of the most comforting.  It opens with the familiar words, “The Lord is my shepherd,” Many people have found that they do not need to pray the entire psalm to experience its healing power.  Simply saying the words, “The Lord is my shepherd,” is often sufficient to turn our attention toward God; and turning our conscious attention toward God is a simple, pure, and powerful form of prayer.

The Twenty-Third Psalm can provide immediate help in difficult moments.  When we find ourselves facing a stressful situation, speaking the words, “The Lord is my shepherd,” can help us to let go long enough to see how God can act in our lives.  It can help us to let go, even if only momentarily, of the sense of urgency that we often feel toward a situation, giving God room to work.  When we say, “The Lord is my shepherd,” it is really the same as saying, “I trust you God,” while at the same time expressing a willingness to wait upon the Lord.  In many of life’s situations, after we have done what is within our control, waiting on the Lord is precisely what we need to do.

Psalm 23 is sometimes associated with death.  There is a great scene in the 1997 film Titanic in which Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) is anxiously pushing his way through a long line of terrified passengers, all of whom are rushing to reach the highest end of the doomed and rapidly sinking ship.  Someone in the death march just ahead of Jack is heard reciting the Twenty-Third Psalm.  The person is shown reading the psalm while slowly marching, saying, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…,” to which Jack shouts out, “Hey, would you mind walking a little faster through ‘that there’ valley!”

In the Jewish tradition, Psalm 23 is commonly included among the prayers that are said during the period of surrounding a person’s death.  It is recited in the House of Mourning during the time of Shivah.  The Hebrew word Shivah means “seven” and refers to the seven-day period of formalized mourning by the immediate family of the deceased.  Likewise, the Twenty-Third Psalm is often recited at Christian funerals.  For many mourners, it can be very comforting, allowing them to be assured that their loved one is being taken care of by God, even though the person has passed from this life to the next.

Yet the words of this particular psalm do not speak primarily about death.  They are clearly spoken in reference to life and living.  They speak about how God directs, anoints, and comforts us, and of God showering us with kindness.

There is only one clear reference to death.  It is the earlier mentioned, familiar verse, “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” and even this reverence is veiled.  The Hebrew word tzalmavet, though commonly translated into English as a reference to death, would more accurately be translated here as a “dark and shadowy place.”

The Twenty-Third Psalm certainly is comforting in regard to facing the final death that we will all experience one day.  It is important to remember, however, that its application to daily living, its comforting words telling of God’s promise to guide and shepherd us through the many dark periods that we all experience, make it a powerful prayer that can provide hope and reassurance for today.  There are countless small “deaths” that we experience during the constant change that is so much a part of life.  The promise of the Twenty-Third Psalm is very much for the living, in this world as well as the next.

Connecting Point: The Psalms have a special healing quality in their ability to connect with our emotions.  Discover that power for yourself by prayerfully reading them on a daily basis.  The Twenty-Third Psalm is especially comforting.  In its words we find God’s promise to guide, protect, and lead us as a shepherd guides his or her flock through life’s many changes. It helps us to wait in hope upon the Lord during the dark, shadowy periods, through the many deaths that we experience as we journey through life.

Prayer: Merciful Lord, so often I resist your lead, impatiently trusting instead in my own understanding and my own schemes to make things happen.  And so you wait on me to trust in you.  Help me to let you be the shepherd of my life.  Help me to hear and respond to your voice and to accept your guidance.  Help me learn to wait patiently upon you in hope, trusting that the good things that you promise will be given, and to let it be in your time.  Amen.

Only $14.95 on Amazonhttp://www.amazon.com/Living-Gods-Speed-Healing-Time/dp/158595831X

Contentshttp://pastoralplanning.com/23rdBookParts/LivingGodsSpeed_TOC.pdf

Read the Introduction: http://pastoralplanning.com/23rdBookParts/LivingGodsSpeed_Intro.

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